It's not that my marriage is falling apart; it's more that we are both so focused on raising these kiddos, and James on doing his job, that we spend approximately zero time taking care of each other. And further, because of the stress of raising those cherubic munchkins and the concomitant exhaustion of constant sleep deprivation, we can be short and snappish with each other. Okay, I'll be honest: I am the one who is almost always short and snappish. And whether it's for "good reason" (always debatable, right?) or not, that needs to stop; it's just as bad for me as it is for James and our marriage, and in truth, I'm just getting sick of being someone who snaps and complains so much.
I should also preface this month by admitting that, for me, the single greatest challenge in life is to be happy in a long-term relationship. I don't even mean happy with the other person - I mean happy within myself. I'll spare you the details and reasoning. Let's just leave it at this: I could work a lot harder and do a lot better at being a kind, loving, and generous partner. And because my marriage is my primary relationship (after my relationship with myself, of course), and the model for my children's primary relationships throughout life, it's time I get it together.
So why has this month been a resounding failure thus far? After crafting positive (and overly idealistic) resolutions for myself, I woke up on the first day before 5am, and spent the next two hours nursing babies, trying (and failing) to sleep, changing diapers, and otherwise playing musical beds, while James mostly slept. I was fuming. If it weren't black as night at 5am, you could have seen steam billowing behind me as I ran from room to room. And the next 48 hours continued more or less the same way, exacerbated by the fact that I was "supposed" to be doing and being so much better - my guilt about that made me resent my happiness project and my husband even more.
So: time to take a break and step back. My resolutions were obviously not working. I took a day to reflect on this (which sounds like I spend a day sipping tea and staring out the window while examining my soul, but looked more like wiping butts and nursing Leif and submitting a mortgage application and every now and then trying to figure out how to be nice), and realized that my resolutions were way too idealistic. I'm rather remedial at very simple, good things, like being kind, not snapping, and even sometimes laughing at James's jokes. I recognize that I need to focus on nipping my negative behavior in the bud - or even just recognizing it after it has passed - more than suddenly becoming miss positivity and exuding golden beams of kindness and charm (that's next month). I realized that never snapping at James is an unrealistic resolution right now, but apologizing after I've snapped or used a nasty or condescending tone is quite doable (usually). So, here are this month's resolutions:
- Kiss & hug: sounds easy, right? Well, we're often passing each other like ships in the night, putting pants on this baby or stopping that one from screaming or nursing this one. And often at the end of the day I'm touched out from all the baby care. But - hugging gives us a small moment of connection and makes me feel good. Kissing too. Rather than waiting for these moments to spontaneously arise, I'm seeking moments to sneak them in.
- Watch my tone: I can be snappy, condescending, and curt, and tend to act like a know-it-all. I don't do this on purpose, and I'd really rather not be that way. But it's so hard to just suddenly be better, so I'm starting with the first stop - noticing when my tone is unkind or judgmental so that I can...
- Apologize: when I do notice that I've been curt or unkind or any other way I don't want to be, I apologize for it. Sometime a snappy answer to an "obvious" question is out of my mouth before I even realize I've responded; when that happens, recognizing my reaction and apologizing for it is the best course of action.
- Spend time together: duh, right? Well, when you're with someone almost all the time (James has been working from home a lot lately), you tend to think that you're spending time together. But in reality, James and I are usually just occupying the same space, which is quite a different thing. In the first month of my happiness project, I put my computer down at 9pm and spent the next hour, before my 10pm bedtime, reading, writing lists, and talking to James. Without our faces buried in screens all the time, we started paying attention to each other, rather than just sitting next to each other doing separate things. This month I want to carve out some time every evening to just talk to James.
- Look for the positive: I can be such a Debbie Downer. In my head, I'm not someone who complains - James was shocked when I told him that, because sometimes all I do is complain! I can get down on James for not doing this or that (or doing this or that incorrectly), but this month I'm focusing on seeing all that he does for us and being grateful for it.
- Be lighthearted: oh, goodness. If you know me, you know that I have a habit of taking myself way too seriously. So this month I'm trying to laugh at James's jokes more - and at myself. I'm trying to find more humor in our day-to-day life together. James's sense of humor is one of the things that first attracted me to him, but recently I've come to wonder why he isn't funny anymore. Of course he is, I just stopped seeing it. I will try to cultivate more levity in our relationship and our co-parenting adventure this month.
- Take care of James and give proofs of love: I take the whole independent-person thing too far sometimes: like when I don't pick up after James (he made the mess, he should clean it up!), or I don't consciously do things to make his life easier. But that's what we're supposed to do, right? - Take care of each other? Help each out? I'm so focused on myself that I forget to do this. Isn't that awful?
I'm not expecting James to do these things or to make his own resolutions; I do hope, of course, that he notices my better behavior and that it makes him feel better, more loved, and more cared for. And if there's a greater sense of us working together as a team and more fond feelings between us, undoubtedly we will both be more satisfied in our relationship, in ourselves, and in our roles out there in the world.
Wish me luck!
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