Happiness Project - month 2 recap

So February was the month I worked on my marriage in my happiness project. I knew it would be a difficult month for me, but also one of the most important of my year-long project. I thought long and hard about my resolutions, wrote them out in my chart....and pretty much never touched the chart again.

Not that I didn't do the project last month, or that I just ignored my resolutions; it's that when you're trying to change the entire way you relate to someone else, it's hard to follow a chart! Rather than tangible things to do, like write a to-do list or meditate, all of my resolutions were behaviors and as such, much more difficult to measure and keep track of. While I certainly tried to be more light-hearted and watch my tone, had I really done it?

On the last day of the month, in the evening after the kids were abed, James asked me how I thought the month went. In truth, I have been feeling more connected to James, less bothered by the little things, more able to find the humor in his (questionable) jokes, and definitely more like we are on the same team. I knew I hadn't made any major changes or fundamentally changed my personality to be the all-loving, all-supporting fount of patience and compassion that I sometimes aspire to become -- but I felt the little changes had made a pretty good difference.  That's how I felt - did he, too?

I bit my tongue and asked James how he thought it went - after all, no one would know better than him, right?

"Incredible," he said. Incredible!?!!?

He went on to say that it was even better than incredible; that he felt deeply supported by me in his work, and that feeling freer in his work meant he felt less anxiety overall, which actually allowed him to both work harder and feel more comfortable being fully at home when he wasn't working. He said some other glowing stuff, but you know what? -- I've forgotten it all already! It was probably the kindest thing James has ever said to me (much nicer than when, on my birthday a few years ago, I asked James what he loved most about me and he answered that I have been a perennial underachiever who hasn't done much with my talent in life!), and I've forgotten it!

The month went so well that James and I agreed that we should make every October - our anniversary month - our marriage happiness month, and we will each spend the whole month working on finding and creating more happiness in our relationship.

Hooray!

Happiness project, month 2: Get my marriage together

February has begun, and with it the second month of my happiness project: get my marriage together. Thus far it has been a resounding failure. Thank goodness February is the shortest month of the year!

It's not that my marriage is falling apart; it's more that we are both so focused on raising these kiddos, and James on doing his job, that we spend approximately zero time taking care of each other. And further, because of the stress of raising those cherubic munchkins and the concomitant exhaustion of constant sleep deprivation, we can be short and snappish with each other. Okay, I'll be honest: I am the one who is almost always short and snappish. And whether it's for "good reason" (always debatable, right?) or not, that needs to stop; it's just as bad for me as it is for James and our marriage, and in truth, I'm just getting sick of being someone who snaps and complains so much.

I should also preface this month by admitting that, for me, the single greatest challenge in life is to be happy in a long-term relationship. I don't even mean happy with the other person - I mean happy within myself. I'll spare you the details and reasoning. Let's just leave it at this: I could work a lot harder and do a lot better at being a kind, loving, and generous partner. And because my marriage is my primary relationship (after my relationship with myself, of course), and the model for my children's primary relationships throughout life, it's time I get it together.

So why has this month been a resounding failure thus far? After crafting positive (and overly idealistic) resolutions for myself, I woke up on the first day before 5am, and spent the next two hours nursing babies, trying (and failing) to sleep, changing diapers, and otherwise playing musical beds, while James mostly slept. I was fuming. If it weren't black as night at 5am, you could have seen steam billowing behind me as I ran from room to room. And the next 48 hours continued more or less the same way, exacerbated by the fact that I was "supposed" to be doing and being so much better - my guilt about that made me resent my happiness project and my husband even more.

So: time to take a break and step back. My resolutions were obviously not working. I took a day to reflect on this (which sounds like I spend a day sipping tea and staring out the window while examining my soul, but looked more like wiping butts and nursing Leif and submitting a mortgage application and every now and then trying to figure out how to be nice), and realized that my resolutions were way too idealistic. I'm rather remedial at very simple, good things, like being kind, not snapping, and even sometimes laughing at James's jokes. I recognize that I need to focus on nipping my negative behavior in the bud - or even just recognizing it after it has passed - more than suddenly becoming miss positivity and exuding golden beams of kindness and charm (that's next month). I realized that never snapping at James is an unrealistic resolution right now, but apologizing after I've snapped or used a nasty or condescending tone is quite doable (usually). So, here are this month's resolutions:

• Kiss & hug: sounds easy, right? Well, we're often passing each other like ships in the night, putting pants on this baby or stopping that one from screaming or nursing this one. And often at the end of the day I'm touched out from all the baby care. But - hugging gives us a small moment of connection and makes me feel good. Kissing too. Rather than waiting for these moments to spontaneously arise, I'm seeking moments to sneak them in.
• Watch my tone: I can be snappy, condescending, and curt, and tend to act like a know-it-all. I don't do this on purpose, and I'd really rather not be that way. But it's so hard to just suddenly be better, so I'm starting with the first stop - noticing when my tone is unkind or judgmental so that I can...
• Apologize: when I do notice that I've been curt or unkind or any other way I don't want to be, I apologize for it. Sometime a snappy answer to an "obvious" question is out of my mouth before I even realize I've responded; when that happens, recognizing my reaction and apologizing for it is the best course of action.
• Spend time together: duh, right? Well, when you're with someone almost all the time (James has been working from home a lot lately), you tend to think that you're spending time together. But in reality, James and I are usually just occupying the same space, which is quite a different thing. In the first month of my happiness project, I put my computer down at 9pm and spent the next hour, before my 10pm bedtime, reading, writing lists, and talking to James. Without our faces buried in screens all the time, we started paying attention to each other, rather than just sitting next to each other doing separate things. This month I want to carve out some time every evening to just talk to James.
• Look for the positive: I can be such a Debbie Downer. In my head, I'm not someone who complains - James was shocked when I told him that, because sometimes all I do is complain! I can get down on James for not doing this or that (or doing this or that incorrectly), but this month I'm focusing on seeing all that he does for us and being grateful for it.
• Be lighthearted: oh, goodness. If you know me, you know that I have a habit of taking myself way too seriously. So this month I'm trying to laugh at James's jokes more - and at myself. I'm trying to find more humor in our day-to-day life together. James's sense of humor is one of the things that first attracted me to him, but recently I've come to wonder why he isn't funny anymore. Of course he is, I just stopped seeing it. I will try to cultivate more levity in our relationship and our co-parenting adventure this month.
• Take care of James and give proofs of love: I take the whole independent-person thing too far sometimes: like when I don't pick up after James (he made the mess, he should clean it up!), or I don't consciously do things to make his life easier. But that's what we're supposed to do, right? - Take care of each other? Help each out? I'm so focused on myself that I forget to do this. Isn't that awful? 

I'm not expecting James to do these things or to make his own resolutions; I do hope, of course, that he notices my better behavior and that it makes him feel better, more loved, and more cared for. And if there's a greater sense of us working together as a team and more fond feelings between us, undoubtedly we will both be more satisfied in our relationship, in ourselves, and in our roles out there in the world.

Wish me luck!

Happiness Project - end of the first month

As I'm nearing the end of the first month of my happiness project, I'd like to report how it's gone so far. I'll admit that the month started with a bang as I followed most of resolutions every single day (except for one, which I'll get to); nearing the end of the month I've really slacked with my resolutions around sleep - no screens after 9pm and get to bed by 10pm - and I'm feeling it!

Overall, I was surprised to find that I felt sudden energy for all sorts of things that I wasn't focusing on this month, as though by beginning to be proactive in one area of life (let's call it personal productiveness), I found some space for other areas - or at least, time to think about them and start making pathways into them (fodder for my future months' resolutions). I had a sort of internal shift that allowed me to think more positively, be more productive, and enjoy life more (hurrah, the happiness project is working already!).

Now, to report on my resolutions:

• Get enough sleep. As I mentioned before, the nights when I was in bed by 10 (and usually asleep by 10:15) I felt so much better the next day; but as the month went on I pushed it later and later, and now I'm definitely feeling more tired. I did a decent job of staying away from screens after 9pm, until the last week, when I've been antsy to find a home for us and have been searching the internet too late every night.
• Write a to-do list. I did this almost every day to great effect, and I'm definitely going to continue with it. I didn't always do everything on the list, but the act of writing it the night before forced me to envision the following day, which allowed me to get at least a smidgeon more done than I otherwise would have - and reminded me of important things that my baby brain probably would have forgotten.
• Exercise and practice yoga. Thank goodness for the NY Times 7-Minute Workout! It's fairly easy to squeeze a 7-minute workout into pretty much any day (not that I did; I'd give myself a 75% on this, but that's much better than the 0% I had before this month!). At the beginning of the month I could do 7 military pushups, now I can do 11 - so that's progress, even if it isn't huge. And I managed to practice yoga more than I have in quite a long time, too. Surely these little bursts of exercise contributed to both my overall increase in energy and my boost in mood.
• Meditate. I've been really good about meditating for five minutes almost every evening. I wrote here about an app I've been using, and while I've enjoyed it, I do feel that the way forward for me is just sitting...focusing on the breath...refocusing on the breath...refocusing on the breath...refocusing on the breath (you get the point). While I can't quite say whether this is doing me any good or enhancing my life in any way, I'm glad that it's become a regular part of my life and I'm going to keep up with it, adding a couple minutes so that I'm meditating seven minutes a day.
• Look nice (or at least try). I pretty much failed on both accounts. While I really do want to own and wear nicer clothes and take some pride in my appearance (hair, skin, nails), I just can't be bothered. I tried to go shopping twice with Leif in tow, but it was so stressful that I aborted the mission and went home both times (Leif rarely sleeps in his stroller, as I may have mentioned). However, this is something that I do want to work on and may revisit in a future month. 
• Go on a weekly self-date to a cafe or museum. Fail. I did, however, make a new friend whom I met for coffee (with Leif) twice, and that's just about as good for my happiness and emotional well-being as anything else. 
• Write a meal plan. Major win! We have a few new cookbooks and each week I pick 4-5 recipes from one of them. I do the planning on Saturday nights and we try to do the shopping on Sundays. This has been so wonderful for us - we're eating delicious, nutritious food, trying more ingredients, and enjoying meals so much more. Augie has hardly touched anything we've made, but I wasn't expecting much else; he's always been a picky eater.

For February I'm working on getting my marriage together, so look out for a new set of resolutions in the next few days.

Happiness Project: Month 1, mid-month update

I'm 2/3rds of the way into the first month of my happiness project and want to check in to let you know how it's going. At the end of the month I'll give you a more complete rundown and reflections.

For the first month I decided to focus on getting myself together. My resolutions all have to do with the little things I can do everyday to make myself feel better, be more productive, and have more energy.

The most important thing I'm doing, one that has had an immediate impact, is getting more sleep. I've been good about not using screens after 9pm (though I've been on until 9:15 twice) and getting into bed by 10pm (again, I've missed that target 3-4 times). Generally, I feel much more rested when I wake up and haven't felt the need to nap as much during the day. Win! Exercising and doing yoga have helped with my energy level, too, though I haven't been as consistent about meeting that goal - I'd say I'm about 80-85% on that. James and I have both been doing the New York Times 7-Minute Workout (James sometimes does it twice a day!). As it's only 7 minutes, it's so easy to slip in the workout during the day, when the kids are awake or asleep. It gives me an immediate burst of energy, and it's so nice to feel breathless for at least a few minutes. As easy as it is, though, I'm still not doing it every single day, so I'd like to do better for the rest of the month.

Meditating is the only thing that I've done almost every day (I've only missed once!). I mostly do a 5-minute meditation on the breath, though I've found an app - Mindfulness Daily - that has several short guided meditations (object meditation, present moment awareness, lovingkindness meditation) that I sometimes do. The app is great because you start with a 21-day kickstart program that's super easy and helps to build the habit.

We've been eating really well with a weekly meal plan in place - I can't believe we didn't start doing this ages ago!

I've been failing miserably at both looking nice and getting some quality Jodi time - I'll reflect on that more at the end of the month.

The most surprising thing about this first month of my happiness project has been a general increase in my productivity, and a desire to be proactive. I find myself considering my time much more carefully: if we start watching something that's not very good, it's easy to turn it off and say, "that's not worth the 20 minutes of screen time I have left today!"; I'm starting to look ahead to my free periods during the day (when Leif is napping, which is becoming more predictable) and think in advance about how I'll spend the time, rather than just trying to slot in the things I have to do "whenever." And I'm more on the lookout for things to put on my to-do list each night, which means that I'm getting more stuff done every day.

Several people responded to me privately after my first post about the happiness project - I'm curious to know if anyone else has started one, or would like to chat about starting one. Let me know! Even James has kicked off his own (though it's considerably less formal than mine).

To your happiness!

The Happiness Project

I've decided to do a happiness project this year. My goal isn't quite to find constant, continual, height-of-elation happiness; it's to identify what (things, values, people, experiences) enriches my life, and to consciously bring those things into my life. Each month I will focus on one area that I've identified for myself and create several goals/resolutions to do on a daily basis. I got the idea from Gretchen Rubin's books (The Happiness Project and Happier at Home and blog). Even the process of thinking about what makes me truly happy and articulating those values and some resolutions around them has been beneficial, without even doing the tasks!

For January, my goal is to get myself together. Rather than being reactive and waiting to see what happens in my daily life, I want to cultivate more intentionality. I want to bring more energy into my life so that I'm able to be more present - and playful - with my kids (and my husband, too!). I want to carve out some time and space to get back to being me, the adventurous woman who's always out exploring, who's engaging in conversation with friends and strangers, who's ready for anything life might bring (this contrasts with how I see and feel myself now - the exhausted housewife who's just trying to keep everybody afloat and who does nothing for herself).

With that in mind, my day-to-day resolutions for this month are:

• Get enough sleep. This has two parts: 1) no screens after 9pm (new research shows that the blue light of tablets, smartphones, etc. is particularly disruptive to sleep habits and should be avoided in the evening hours), and 2) be in bed with lights out by 10pm.
• Write a to-do list every evening for the next day. I find that if I don't write a list, I let tasks linger and I squander a day looking things up on the internet and picking my toes; if I write a to-do list, and give myself clear goals, I get so much done and I feel better. 
• Practice yoga or do some sort of heart-pounding exercise every day. I do tons of walking with James and the boys, but I miss stretching and using my body in different ways, and I miss the exhilaration of an intense workout. I also miss everything about yoga - the stretching, strengthening, calming-ness of it.
• Meditate for 5 minutes every day. I have avoided a regular meditation practice for nearly 15 years, but I've always felt that it's the one single thing I could do to most improve my life. Also, there's new research out showing that a regular meditation practice can rebuild grey matter in your brain. After nearly three years now of having pregnancy and mommy brain, I could use a little brain boost! I could also use some conscious quiet time.
• Look nice (or at least try). I tend to wear t-shirts and yoga pants 90% of the time. Okay, 95%. When I leave the house, I just put on what's convenient and I never wear makeup. But I know that I feel better when I look nice, and that looking nice can be as easy as a little mascara or lipstick. It's also true that my wardrobe is so boring, and I don't enjoy getting dressed. The thing is, I loathe shopping! My taste and my budget are totally at odds, so I avoid facing that depressing situation by never shopping. I'd like to spend time this month (and year) building a nice wardrobe with quality pieces so that I can feel good getting dressed. 

I have two weekly resolutions, too:

• Have a Jodi date. Go to a cafe or a museum and spend some time doing what I like to do - thinking, writing, enjoying art or a good latte. Reconnect with myself in the world. (There are logistical difficulties with this one, being that I'm always toting around an infant, but I'm determined to figure this out).
• Write a weekly meal plan. James and I are much happier and calmer when we have a meal plan posted on the fridge - we know what to shop for, we know what to make for dinner each night, and we try new recipes. We can avoid the late-afternoon hassle of trying to scrounge something up while corralling the boys and dealing with meltdowns.

I started this on January 1, and I've been so surprised at the immediate payoff of going to sleep earlier. I already have so much more energy, and I can feel that I'm a better mom and wife because of it. It's also nice to have an hour at the end of the day when I'm not on the computer, when I can take care of odds and ends or read for a bit. It does mean that I won't get to blog as much, and it'll take me even longer to respond to emails, but it's sooo worth it.

Want to start a happiness project with me? Let me know and we can do this together! You can start anytime.

(I'll try to get some photos of the kids today! I do realize you come here to see them, not to hear about me.)