Home, homing, at home

Caveat: this post does not feature babies and has very little to do with babies.

I have been thinking about home a lot recently: about our home, about what we want for ourselves, about what I, mother bear, want for my family. It isn't this, where we are now.

I read a lot of blogs, mostly by mothers, that are either design-oriented or that just feature photos of families in their homes. When I see these pictures, I yearn for what they have: their own space in the world, their own books on the shelves, their own toys and bowls and rocks scattered around. I yearn especially for light, to see the sun outside my window (we haven't had direct sunlight in here since September).

Beyond just wanting my own space (our own space), I don't want to be here. Our neighborhood is great but this apartment is ill-suited to our family, and it is very, very expensive (as in, we can't actually afford to live here much longer or we will be in debt!). There is no door between our bedroom, where Leif sleeps (Leif, the baby, who naps 3-6 times per day and goes to bed the earliest), and the rest of the house - a crying Augie wakes Leif, a crying Leif wakes Augie. The indoor light (bad fixtures, orange glow), as I've complained before, is terrible, and is the reason we don't have many baby photos of Leif. The greatest fault is that there is no real living room; we have just this pass-through room with a couch and a hulking piano and we don't spend any time here as a family because there's nowhere for Augie to play and it's right next to the bedroom where Leif is usually sleeping (again, with no door separating us). I want a living room in which I can read, James can work, and Augie and Leif can play. I want it to be possible for us all to be together, comfortably, sharing space if not activities. You know - a home.

The task of finding a home in Stockholm and its environs feels insurmountable; it isn't, of course, as people do it, but it certainly isn't an easy thing to do. We can't quite afford the neighborhoods we like, we don't quite like the places we can afford.... And in we had our druthers, we'd be buying a house in the countryside someplace where the boys could run around and we could have a workshop and a studio and a creek and enough space to kick a football and a big oak tree to nap under and build a fort in; we want to be close to Nature, for it fill our senses and our lives. When we are walking in the city - this city, any city - I am happy and my intellect is engaged and it's so cool to have restaurants and cafes and museums and other people and neighborhood parks; but when I smell a pine tree, or stand overlooking a vista, or hear waves lapping at the shore, I am filled with a longing that only being close to nature can satisfy. My soul is fulfilled; the world - my world - feels right. But we don't think we can fulfill that dream here in Sweden - a house in the country - with the time and money we have here. So we're going to settle, again, for something acceptable that we can afford.

I'm not looking for anything grand - just some space, some light, some small corners to fill on our own.

(First two images from Cup of Jo; last two images from it's the little things).