Beaches in paradise

I keep asking James, "what is this magical place we live in?" The weather is phenomenal, the scenery is beautiful, edible wild berries grow on every path, roses grow wild in the forests. Families play together on beaches and in parks all summer long. Our neighbors are always happy to see us. Of course we know the other side to this paradise - the immeasurably long winters, the relentless darkness, the closed-off Swedes. But for now, right now, we are happy.

This is one of three beaches within a few minutes' walk that we've been frequenting.

Both kiddos stuffing their faces:

Home, homing, at home

Caveat: this post does not feature babies and has very little to do with babies.

I have been thinking about home a lot recently: about our home, about what we want for ourselves, about what I, mother bear, want for my family. It isn't this, where we are now.

I read a lot of blogs, mostly by mothers, that are either design-oriented or that just feature photos of families in their homes. When I see these pictures, I yearn for what they have: their own space in the world, their own books on the shelves, their own toys and bowls and rocks scattered around. I yearn especially for light, to see the sun outside my window (we haven't had direct sunlight in here since September).

Beyond just wanting my own space (our own space), I don't want to be here. Our neighborhood is great but this apartment is ill-suited to our family, and it is very, very expensive (as in, we can't actually afford to live here much longer or we will be in debt!). There is no door between our bedroom, where Leif sleeps (Leif, the baby, who naps 3-6 times per day and goes to bed the earliest), and the rest of the house - a crying Augie wakes Leif, a crying Leif wakes Augie. The indoor light (bad fixtures, orange glow), as I've complained before, is terrible, and is the reason we don't have many baby photos of Leif. The greatest fault is that there is no real living room; we have just this pass-through room with a couch and a hulking piano and we don't spend any time here as a family because there's nowhere for Augie to play and it's right next to the bedroom where Leif is usually sleeping (again, with no door separating us). I want a living room in which I can read, James can work, and Augie and Leif can play. I want it to be possible for us all to be together, comfortably, sharing space if not activities. You know - a home.

The task of finding a home in Stockholm and its environs feels insurmountable; it isn't, of course, as people do it, but it certainly isn't an easy thing to do. We can't quite afford the neighborhoods we like, we don't quite like the places we can afford.... And in we had our druthers, we'd be buying a house in the countryside someplace where the boys could run around and we could have a workshop and a studio and a creek and enough space to kick a football and a big oak tree to nap under and build a fort in; we want to be close to Nature, for it fill our senses and our lives. When we are walking in the city - this city, any city - I am happy and my intellect is engaged and it's so cool to have restaurants and cafes and museums and other people and neighborhood parks; but when I smell a pine tree, or stand overlooking a vista, or hear waves lapping at the shore, I am filled with a longing that only being close to nature can satisfy. My soul is fulfilled; the world - my world - feels right. But we don't think we can fulfill that dream here in Sweden - a house in the country - with the time and money we have here. So we're going to settle, again, for something acceptable that we can afford.

I'm not looking for anything grand - just some space, some light, some small corners to fill on our own.

(First two images from Cup of Jo; last two images from it's the little things). 

Where we are, who we are

I haven't really shared much lately about what the boys are up to or what's going on in our lives; just the snippets I happen to have taken pictures of, which miss about 99.99% of our days - and our lives. Here are a couple quick updates:

• Leif's laryngomalacia continues, but we think it's the slightest bit better in that there are times when he's taking deep breaths but he isn't squeaking or retracting, and we think he's doing it less ("doing it" meaning making the squeaky stridor noise). We have a follow-up appointment next week (the 27th I think) with the ENT doc to see how he's progressing
• Leif's sleeping remains mixed: he usually sleeps 5-9 hours for the first stretch, and we still have a difficult evening, but it's ever-so-slightly better than it was before
• Leif's beginning to open up to the world - he's smiling a lot when he's awake (he's so handsome!), and his body is slowly beginning to unfurl. 
• This one is really exciting: Augie peed in the potty today! It was the most intentional effort he's put into using the potty. We were in his room and he was naked after his bath, and I could see that he was getting ready to go - spreading his legs, looking down, grabbing his penis - so I said, "Augie, let's use the potty!" and he ran to his little potty and did his half-squat in front of it, aiming and waiting. Nothing happened and he looked up at me, worried. "Stuck!" he said. I grabbed a book and started to read to him, and then he peed! As soon as he was done, he picked up the bowl of the potty and said, "potty!" and handed it to me, then he ran to the bathroom so we could dump the pee in the potty. We're especially happy about this because we haven't done anything at all lately to train him. We've talked about the potty and let him watch us use it, and kept his potty out, but we haven't pushed it at all. Maybe he sees someone at school using it?
• Augie is talking, talking, talking. It's wonderful. He's speaking both English and Swedish, and some English words he pronounces as though they are Swedish. He finally started saying his own name a couple weeks ago, though it sounds like "Ah-gist", without the rounding of the mouth to get the "au-" sound. He knows to pluralize things with an "-s", and he sometimes pluralizes the verb, too. He's regularly putting together sentences with 3 or more words. He repeats the last word of almost everything we say. And what do you think his favorite word is? "No!"
• Augie seems to be loving school, though he's back to napping in the stroller at dagis; his favorite teacher, Åsa, has been sick and away from school ever since Augie napped on the mat, so he's gone back to sleeping in the stroller. We hope she will be back on Monday!
• Augie can be very helpful when someone is sad or upset. His friend Nils fell at the playground today and started to cry. Augie looked at me and said "sad." Then he looked at Nils's mom adn said "napp" (the Swedish word for pacifier), as he knew that napps usually make sad kids feel better. When Leif was crying earlier this evening, Augie came in from the other room carrying a paci for him. 
• Augie is started to play with other kids, rather than just beside him. At the playground this afternoon, he ran around with Nils; when he first saw him, he ran up to him and tried to belly bump/kiss him (not really sure which he meant to do, or both). They ran around together, laughing, and when Augie ran to do something like swing, he'd point to an empty swing and say "Nils swing."
• Augie loves new people. The other week he ran up to and hugged one of the barristas from our favorite Italian coffee place when we saw him on the street (I didn't even know Augie had ever seen/recognized this guy!), with a giant smile on his face. James has a student visiting from Princeton, and he spent all afternoon asking her to push him on the swing, push him in the stroller, read him a book, etc. 
• We've asked a wonderful woman we met a couple months ago, Julie, to come over once a week to hang out with the kids and help us. She came over for the first time on Friday and it was great - Augie loved showing off his toys to her and running around with her; she was great with Leif, even when he was crying, and we felt totally comfortable giving him to her even when he was crying so we could sit down to dinner. Having her here meant we could comfortably take showers, make dinner, and eat it; beyond that, she and I sat on the couch (while Leif napped in my arms) and talked, talked, talked. Unfortunately, she's going back to the US in December, but we are so glad and lucky to have her here with us for the few weeks she's still here. 

That only begins to tell you all that's going on, but at least it's something. 

We're trying to get Augie involved in more household tasks, so that he can contribute and feel a sense of accomplishment in helping around the house, and also so that we can get more done (it's easier to wash the potatoes if he's actively engaged in helping to wash potatoes, rather than jumping on the couch). One of the easiest things for him to help with is the recycling, a job he relishes. He's also been keen to help with scraping his plate after dinner and putting his clothes in the hamper; ironically, it's us who have to remember to involve him in these tasks (you'd think we'd be happy to have a baby slave!).

Hanging out and waiting

We've had a lovely weekend, mostly hanging out at home and relaxing. Ah Mah took Augie to the park both Saturday and Sunday mornings, so we were able to stay home and relax - and by relax, I mean organize, rearrange, and do other baby preparations without having to chase (or be chased by) the toddler. We've had some delicious meals and nice, calm together time. It's weird to feel a comfortable sense of stasis while knowing that everything is about to be sent into chaos (but who knows when?!).

Augie really has been such a joy lately (well, he always has been). It's wondrous watching him learn and interact with others. He's repeating words all the time and putting together sentences (short sentences, like "I carry" (which means "carry me!") or "I sleep" or "Mama sleep!"), and he's picked up a couple basic Swedish words. He's learning to care for his friends - primarily his inanimate friends, like baby doll Anna, whom he feeds, brushes her teeth, puts her on my lap, and puts her to bed. Sometimes he feeds other dolls/stuffed animals that we have, or even drawings of animals in books. When he sees another child crying, he seems genuinely concerned and wants to help. We had new friends come over this afternoon, and when the little boy (19 months) came into the apartment, Augie immediately rushed to put a raisin in his mouth.

He's stopped coming into our bed in the middle of the night (well, probably until I post at this, at which point he'll start again), and has been sleeping in his bed until morning wake-up, which comes way too early (these days usually around 5:15-5:45am). Though this morning, I awoke at 5:15am to realize he was calling my name from his room, which he's never done; I went to his room and he was sitting up, waiting for me. I asked if he wanted to come to our bed, and he laid down and said, "Mama sleep." So I laid down next to him and we both went to sleep until 7 o'clock.

As always, though, I'm sure you're here for the pictures, so here they are.

Kitchen action shots:

 Augie loves red tea (rooibos) and demands to have some whenever he sees the kettle on.

And some fruit:

Family goof time

Decorating

Augie's been helping place our art on the walls here. He loves to take this little painting off the wall and put it back on. The painting above is one of the first ones he ever made.