Another teaser

I keep meaning to get to that four-month update; but we spent the entire day traveling to and seeing an apartment (on the sea!) and pulling together mortgage application documents....so I'm too tired. Updates coming soon. Until then...

4 month preview

Hoping to get more pictures and an update soon, but for now:

Happiness project, month 2: Get my marriage together

February has begun, and with it the second month of my happiness project: get my marriage together. Thus far it has been a resounding failure. Thank goodness February is the shortest month of the year!

It's not that my marriage is falling apart; it's more that we are both so focused on raising these kiddos, and James on doing his job, that we spend approximately zero time taking care of each other. And further, because of the stress of raising those cherubic munchkins and the concomitant exhaustion of constant sleep deprivation, we can be short and snappish with each other. Okay, I'll be honest: I am the one who is almost always short and snappish. And whether it's for "good reason" (always debatable, right?) or not, that needs to stop; it's just as bad for me as it is for James and our marriage, and in truth, I'm just getting sick of being someone who snaps and complains so much.

I should also preface this month by admitting that, for me, the single greatest challenge in life is to be happy in a long-term relationship. I don't even mean happy with the other person - I mean happy within myself. I'll spare you the details and reasoning. Let's just leave it at this: I could work a lot harder and do a lot better at being a kind, loving, and generous partner. And because my marriage is my primary relationship (after my relationship with myself, of course), and the model for my children's primary relationships throughout life, it's time I get it together.

So why has this month been a resounding failure thus far? After crafting positive (and overly idealistic) resolutions for myself, I woke up on the first day before 5am, and spent the next two hours nursing babies, trying (and failing) to sleep, changing diapers, and otherwise playing musical beds, while James mostly slept. I was fuming. If it weren't black as night at 5am, you could have seen steam billowing behind me as I ran from room to room. And the next 48 hours continued more or less the same way, exacerbated by the fact that I was "supposed" to be doing and being so much better - my guilt about that made me resent my happiness project and my husband even more.

So: time to take a break and step back. My resolutions were obviously not working. I took a day to reflect on this (which sounds like I spend a day sipping tea and staring out the window while examining my soul, but looked more like wiping butts and nursing Leif and submitting a mortgage application and every now and then trying to figure out how to be nice), and realized that my resolutions were way too idealistic. I'm rather remedial at very simple, good things, like being kind, not snapping, and even sometimes laughing at James's jokes. I recognize that I need to focus on nipping my negative behavior in the bud - or even just recognizing it after it has passed - more than suddenly becoming miss positivity and exuding golden beams of kindness and charm (that's next month). I realized that never snapping at James is an unrealistic resolution right now, but apologizing after I've snapped or used a nasty or condescending tone is quite doable (usually). So, here are this month's resolutions:

• Kiss & hug: sounds easy, right? Well, we're often passing each other like ships in the night, putting pants on this baby or stopping that one from screaming or nursing this one. And often at the end of the day I'm touched out from all the baby care. But - hugging gives us a small moment of connection and makes me feel good. Kissing too. Rather than waiting for these moments to spontaneously arise, I'm seeking moments to sneak them in.
• Watch my tone: I can be snappy, condescending, and curt, and tend to act like a know-it-all. I don't do this on purpose, and I'd really rather not be that way. But it's so hard to just suddenly be better, so I'm starting with the first stop - noticing when my tone is unkind or judgmental so that I can...
• Apologize: when I do notice that I've been curt or unkind or any other way I don't want to be, I apologize for it. Sometime a snappy answer to an "obvious" question is out of my mouth before I even realize I've responded; when that happens, recognizing my reaction and apologizing for it is the best course of action.
• Spend time together: duh, right? Well, when you're with someone almost all the time (James has been working from home a lot lately), you tend to think that you're spending time together. But in reality, James and I are usually just occupying the same space, which is quite a different thing. In the first month of my happiness project, I put my computer down at 9pm and spent the next hour, before my 10pm bedtime, reading, writing lists, and talking to James. Without our faces buried in screens all the time, we started paying attention to each other, rather than just sitting next to each other doing separate things. This month I want to carve out some time every evening to just talk to James.
• Look for the positive: I can be such a Debbie Downer. In my head, I'm not someone who complains - James was shocked when I told him that, because sometimes all I do is complain! I can get down on James for not doing this or that (or doing this or that incorrectly), but this month I'm focusing on seeing all that he does for us and being grateful for it.
• Be lighthearted: oh, goodness. If you know me, you know that I have a habit of taking myself way too seriously. So this month I'm trying to laugh at James's jokes more - and at myself. I'm trying to find more humor in our day-to-day life together. James's sense of humor is one of the things that first attracted me to him, but recently I've come to wonder why he isn't funny anymore. Of course he is, I just stopped seeing it. I will try to cultivate more levity in our relationship and our co-parenting adventure this month.
• Take care of James and give proofs of love: I take the whole independent-person thing too far sometimes: like when I don't pick up after James (he made the mess, he should clean it up!), or I don't consciously do things to make his life easier. But that's what we're supposed to do, right? - Take care of each other? Help each out? I'm so focused on myself that I forget to do this. Isn't that awful? 

I'm not expecting James to do these things or to make his own resolutions; I do hope, of course, that he notices my better behavior and that it makes him feel better, more loved, and more cared for. And if there's a greater sense of us working together as a team and more fond feelings between us, undoubtedly we will both be more satisfied in our relationship, in ourselves, and in our roles out there in the world.

Wish me luck!

Little chubster

I love babies lying on their sides. I don't know why, I just do. Leif doesn't sleep on his side yet but I'm hoping he'll start to soon (if only to get off the flat spot on his head!).

Look at all the chubby goodness:

Boys at home

Augie was off of school on Friday, so we're just finishing a three-day weekend. Augie was sick on Saturday and spent almost the entire day lying on the couch burning up.

(A little scary to have a toddler sleeping with no pants, right? He's done it four times now and hasn't wet himself.)

I think it's also because we haven't been doing huge trips each day. We used to spend at least one weekend day packing up and heading out for six hours or so, and that just exhausted us and the boys, and evenings would be so tough. Recently we've just been hanging out near home, going to the local cafe, watching movies in the evenings, doing the shopping, etc. It's making our days together so much smoother. It also helps that we've really nailed a routine with Leif, and so he's napping well and he's just full of smiles when he's awake. For example:

Today we went to a couple open houses in Sundbyberg, and found one place we really liked. We're strongly considering bidding on it! One of the best things is that there's a great playground right across the street, visible from the living room window.

James is going to Oslo this week for three days, and I'll be alone with the boys for the first time. I'm terrified. Thank goodness Leif has become such a good sport lately - I'm hoping he'll cut me some slack (because August most likely won't!). Wish me luck.

Oh - and Leif made four months on Saturday! Photos coming soon...

Because you come here for them...

...not to listen to me ramble on about myself - some pictures from yesterday.

When I arrived at dagis yesterday Augie was still asleep. We've switched our schedule and pick him up early on Wednesdays and Thursdays, and yesterday it had taken him a long time to fall asleep. It was so precious to see him lying there.

The white rectangle beside him is a laminated photo collage of Augie with his family (parents, grandparents, cousins). His caregiver said that he lies there staring at it as he falls asleep. Isn't that sweet?

How Leif normally looks in a stroller:

Happiness Project - end of the first month

As I'm nearing the end of the first month of my happiness project, I'd like to report how it's gone so far. I'll admit that the month started with a bang as I followed most of resolutions every single day (except for one, which I'll get to); nearing the end of the month I've really slacked with my resolutions around sleep - no screens after 9pm and get to bed by 10pm - and I'm feeling it!

Overall, I was surprised to find that I felt sudden energy for all sorts of things that I wasn't focusing on this month, as though by beginning to be proactive in one area of life (let's call it personal productiveness), I found some space for other areas - or at least, time to think about them and start making pathways into them (fodder for my future months' resolutions). I had a sort of internal shift that allowed me to think more positively, be more productive, and enjoy life more (hurrah, the happiness project is working already!).

Now, to report on my resolutions:

• Get enough sleep. As I mentioned before, the nights when I was in bed by 10 (and usually asleep by 10:15) I felt so much better the next day; but as the month went on I pushed it later and later, and now I'm definitely feeling more tired. I did a decent job of staying away from screens after 9pm, until the last week, when I've been antsy to find a home for us and have been searching the internet too late every night.
• Write a to-do list. I did this almost every day to great effect, and I'm definitely going to continue with it. I didn't always do everything on the list, but the act of writing it the night before forced me to envision the following day, which allowed me to get at least a smidgeon more done than I otherwise would have - and reminded me of important things that my baby brain probably would have forgotten.
• Exercise and practice yoga. Thank goodness for the NY Times 7-Minute Workout! It's fairly easy to squeeze a 7-minute workout into pretty much any day (not that I did; I'd give myself a 75% on this, but that's much better than the 0% I had before this month!). At the beginning of the month I could do 7 military pushups, now I can do 11 - so that's progress, even if it isn't huge. And I managed to practice yoga more than I have in quite a long time, too. Surely these little bursts of exercise contributed to both my overall increase in energy and my boost in mood.
• Meditate. I've been really good about meditating for five minutes almost every evening. I wrote here about an app I've been using, and while I've enjoyed it, I do feel that the way forward for me is just sitting...focusing on the breath...refocusing on the breath...refocusing on the breath...refocusing on the breath (you get the point). While I can't quite say whether this is doing me any good or enhancing my life in any way, I'm glad that it's become a regular part of my life and I'm going to keep up with it, adding a couple minutes so that I'm meditating seven minutes a day.
• Look nice (or at least try). I pretty much failed on both accounts. While I really do want to own and wear nicer clothes and take some pride in my appearance (hair, skin, nails), I just can't be bothered. I tried to go shopping twice with Leif in tow, but it was so stressful that I aborted the mission and went home both times (Leif rarely sleeps in his stroller, as I may have mentioned). However, this is something that I do want to work on and may revisit in a future month. 
• Go on a weekly self-date to a cafe or museum. Fail. I did, however, make a new friend whom I met for coffee (with Leif) twice, and that's just about as good for my happiness and emotional well-being as anything else. 
• Write a meal plan. Major win! We have a few new cookbooks and each week I pick 4-5 recipes from one of them. I do the planning on Saturday nights and we try to do the shopping on Sundays. This has been so wonderful for us - we're eating delicious, nutritious food, trying more ingredients, and enjoying meals so much more. Augie has hardly touched anything we've made, but I wasn't expecting much else; he's always been a picky eater.

For February I'm working on getting my marriage together, so look out for a new set of resolutions in the next few days.

Firstborn fun

Yesterday afternoon Augie and I went running around the neighborhood. First to the locksmith to buy a padlock, then to convenience store to pick up a package, then to the bus stop to watch the busses go by, and then to a big snowy patch to kick around the snow. It's so much fun prowling the neighborhood with him!

This guy

Oh, this little guy. All those chubby baby bits. All this love in our lives.

I try hard not to pigeonhole my babies, to label them, to make predictions about their future, because I don't want to hem them into my expectations. But someone asked the other day if Leif is like Augie was at this age, and I said no. Augie was always full of mischief. Always. (You can see it here and here and here and especially here). Leif? Leif is full of sweetness. I think he is more gentle. 

Sausage dog

He's our little sausage dog...

These two, and a resume

How about these guys?

For some reason I decided to spend way too much time tonight updating my LinkedIn profile. (Someone tell me if that link doesn't work, I'm too lazy tired to sign out and check it myself). What would you add???

Position: Domestic Executive
Company: The Watson-Elliott Household

• Manage and fulfill expectations for three other household members with wildly divergent needs.
• Excel in a high-stress environment under constant sleep deprivation to provide for the material and emotional requirements of two high-maintenance individuals (aged four months and two years - the two-year old hereafter referred to as "The Tyrant")
• Solve problems quickly and creatively and remain adaptable and ready to implement new strategies on a moment's notice, usually under high pressure and while The Tyrant screams.
• Generate meal plans and procure provisions to ensure the health of all family members and to fulfill the whims of the The Tyrant.
• Take and edit photographs and write updates to maintain communications with far-flung loved ones by keeping a blog.
• Research, analyze, implement and dissect dozens of strategies to optimize the functioning of the household and emotional wellbeing of the newborn and The Tyrant.
• Manage financial accounts in three countries, pay bills in two, and determine the most cost-effective organic diaper-purchasing solutions.
• Work closely with co-executive to maintain acceptable hygiene levels in the home, locate strategies to get The Tyrant to sleep, and maximize ineffable experiences of joy, connection and fondness to ensure the continued wellbeing of all household members.
• Whilst living in a foreign country, figure out how to do everything (banking, shopping, tax registration, extended public transportation excursions, etc.) with minimal practical or emotional support, frequently with an upset small child in tow.
• Lactate.

Home, homing, at home

Caveat: this post does not feature babies and has very little to do with babies.

I have been thinking about home a lot recently: about our home, about what we want for ourselves, about what I, mother bear, want for my family. It isn't this, where we are now.

I read a lot of blogs, mostly by mothers, that are either design-oriented or that just feature photos of families in their homes. When I see these pictures, I yearn for what they have: their own space in the world, their own books on the shelves, their own toys and bowls and rocks scattered around. I yearn especially for light, to see the sun outside my window (we haven't had direct sunlight in here since September).

Beyond just wanting my own space (our own space), I don't want to be here. Our neighborhood is great but this apartment is ill-suited to our family, and it is very, very expensive (as in, we can't actually afford to live here much longer or we will be in debt!). There is no door between our bedroom, where Leif sleeps (Leif, the baby, who naps 3-6 times per day and goes to bed the earliest), and the rest of the house - a crying Augie wakes Leif, a crying Leif wakes Augie. The indoor light (bad fixtures, orange glow), as I've complained before, is terrible, and is the reason we don't have many baby photos of Leif. The greatest fault is that there is no real living room; we have just this pass-through room with a couch and a hulking piano and we don't spend any time here as a family because there's nowhere for Augie to play and it's right next to the bedroom where Leif is usually sleeping (again, with no door separating us). I want a living room in which I can read, James can work, and Augie and Leif can play. I want it to be possible for us all to be together, comfortably, sharing space if not activities. You know - a home.

The task of finding a home in Stockholm and its environs feels insurmountable; it isn't, of course, as people do it, but it certainly isn't an easy thing to do. We can't quite afford the neighborhoods we like, we don't quite like the places we can afford.... And in we had our druthers, we'd be buying a house in the countryside someplace where the boys could run around and we could have a workshop and a studio and a creek and enough space to kick a football and a big oak tree to nap under and build a fort in; we want to be close to Nature, for it fill our senses and our lives. When we are walking in the city - this city, any city - I am happy and my intellect is engaged and it's so cool to have restaurants and cafes and museums and other people and neighborhood parks; but when I smell a pine tree, or stand overlooking a vista, or hear waves lapping at the shore, I am filled with a longing that only being close to nature can satisfy. My soul is fulfilled; the world - my world - feels right. But we don't think we can fulfill that dream here in Sweden - a house in the country - with the time and money we have here. So we're going to settle, again, for something acceptable that we can afford.

I'm not looking for anything grand - just some space, some light, some small corners to fill on our own.

(First two images from Cup of Jo; last two images from it's the little things). 

A croissant

Augie and I went for a little walk this morning to take out the recycling and have a little snack. As I said a few days ago, James and Augie get to do a lot together and I miss getting my own alone time with him, so I was eager to take him.

His coat is the perfect crumb catcher:

Window

A screamer

The last two days were glorious in terms of Leif care and maintenance. He was, for those two days, the easiest-to-nap baby ever. But today was more like this:

I think Leif is the only baby in Stockholm who doesn't nap in the stroller. (Well, he does sometimes, but not reliably, and usually not until we've reached our block on our way home.) Lucky for us, though, his napping has become fairly reliable and if we pay close attention, we can put him in his bassinet at just the right time for him to ease off into sleep.

We've changed Augie's school schedule: instead of four regular-length days, he's doing five shorter days. Today was his first short day (we pick him up at 1:45), and it doesn't seem to have gone all that well. Augie loves being at school and doesn't always like to leave - he especially doesn't want to be the first of his friends to go! One of his teachers the other day was telling me that he's speaking more and more Swedish at school and he seems to understand everything they say to him; we feel so lucky that we are able to provide him an opportunity to speak another language at such an early age, and to get his brain wired for foreign language acquisition in the future.

Oh, and ppparently at lunch today, after Augie finished his three servings of the main course (something called Kassler Marrakesh) and everyone was washing up, he went back to the serving table and picked up the serving bowl of cottage cheese, took it back to his seat, and started eating right out of it! He would have eaten the whole thing if one of the teachers hadn't stopped him. He is his father's son.

Augie now does most of his peeing in the potty or the big toilet; he does NOT like to wear a diaper, at least when he's with us. He normally wears either undies or just his pants (or nothing at all), and he's quite good at pulling down his pants and getting to the potty. Lucky for us, he's starting sitting, too, so there's rarely a mess. He's not so good at school, probably because using the potty there means having to stop playing with his friends and go to a different room (though the caregivers are great with supporting him). We've had some major meltdowns at bedtime, as he DOES NOT want to wear a diaper to bed! I guess he figures that now that he knows how to pee in the potty, he doesn't need a diaper at night. He fights so hard, but we really don't feel he's ready to even try the night without a diaper (especially since he usually ends up drinking so much bathwater) because he usually wakes up with very full pee diaper. We feel so terrible, holding him down and forcing a diaper on him, while he screams "no diaper!" and turns red and fights with all his being. It's only by telling him that it's for poop when he wakes up that we're able to get it on. We've thought about preparing the bed and letting him try to go without a diaper, so that he starts to see how tough it is to wake up all night to go to his potty, but he just seems so far from being night-time competent. 

Happiness Project: Month 1, mid-month update

I'm 2/3rds of the way into the first month of my happiness project and want to check in to let you know how it's going. At the end of the month I'll give you a more complete rundown and reflections.

For the first month I decided to focus on getting myself together. My resolutions all have to do with the little things I can do everyday to make myself feel better, be more productive, and have more energy.

The most important thing I'm doing, one that has had an immediate impact, is getting more sleep. I've been good about not using screens after 9pm (though I've been on until 9:15 twice) and getting into bed by 10pm (again, I've missed that target 3-4 times). Generally, I feel much more rested when I wake up and haven't felt the need to nap as much during the day. Win! Exercising and doing yoga have helped with my energy level, too, though I haven't been as consistent about meeting that goal - I'd say I'm about 80-85% on that. James and I have both been doing the New York Times 7-Minute Workout (James sometimes does it twice a day!). As it's only 7 minutes, it's so easy to slip in the workout during the day, when the kids are awake or asleep. It gives me an immediate burst of energy, and it's so nice to feel breathless for at least a few minutes. As easy as it is, though, I'm still not doing it every single day, so I'd like to do better for the rest of the month.

Meditating is the only thing that I've done almost every day (I've only missed once!). I mostly do a 5-minute meditation on the breath, though I've found an app - Mindfulness Daily - that has several short guided meditations (object meditation, present moment awareness, lovingkindness meditation) that I sometimes do. The app is great because you start with a 21-day kickstart program that's super easy and helps to build the habit.

We've been eating really well with a weekly meal plan in place - I can't believe we didn't start doing this ages ago!

I've been failing miserably at both looking nice and getting some quality Jodi time - I'll reflect on that more at the end of the month.

The most surprising thing about this first month of my happiness project has been a general increase in my productivity, and a desire to be proactive. I find myself considering my time much more carefully: if we start watching something that's not very good, it's easy to turn it off and say, "that's not worth the 20 minutes of screen time I have left today!"; I'm starting to look ahead to my free periods during the day (when Leif is napping, which is becoming more predictable) and think in advance about how I'll spend the time, rather than just trying to slot in the things I have to do "whenever." And I'm more on the lookout for things to put on my to-do list each night, which means that I'm getting more stuff done every day.

Several people responded to me privately after my first post about the happiness project - I'm curious to know if anyone else has started one, or would like to chat about starting one. Let me know! Even James has kicked off his own (though it's considerably less formal than mine).

To your happiness!

Baba and his buddy

I've found that one of the hardest things about having a new baby is that I don't get the time with August that I'd like. He and I end up having only a little along-together time, and much of that feels like stolen moments at the end of the day (or grumpy moments at 6am). I'm more tethered to Leif and can only be away so long before he needs me and my lactational superpower.

But yesterday evening August and I went for a walk around the neighborhood together; it was very casual, we didn't even get dressed up in our winter suits, just coats and hats, and wandered down the sidewalk. It was fun peeking into windows and storefronts and doing funny walks and runs with him. We stopped in front of a junky little antique shop, and as he looked at the little cars and dolls (all of whom were named Dai Dai), I looked at him: his long eyelashes, his round cheeks, the tufts of blond hair sticking out of his hood, his chest rising and falling with his breath, his eyes and mind exploring this new corner of his world. When I see him in these moments, these moments that he is actually still for more than 4.4 seconds, I see a little angel. I see in his being a blessing bestowed upon me, so lucky to be his mother.

James, however, ends up spending much more alone time with Augie, and they go on fun neighborhood adventures and even sometimes take the train a stop or two away. As tough as it is for me to feel more distance from him in these months, it is also beautiful to watch James and Augie become buddies, with their own language and shared experiences. I love listening to the chatter of them having breakfast together or the exuberance of building a ramp out of the bed.

Here are a few photos I've scavenged from James's phone.

Sometimes I realize it's better that I don't know what they're doing in there:

Doesn't his little face look so frozen?

I'm pretty sure he was supposed to be napping: